Holy Cow

Holy Cow. It has been since MAY 2009 that I've not written. I could ask where the time went but my kids would tell you I've been buried under an emerging MBA. Has it been since May that I've taken the time to write my thoughts?

I can tell you it hasn't been because I've lacked thoughts. Just time and that is not a good thing.

Time. How precious it is. Country songs have been written about the passage of time - all seem to pass on the idea of a bit of regret for not taking advantage of the here and now which puts my brain in motion. I have chosen to take on the MBA. I accepted at the time the amount of time and energy it would require to obtain the distinction. However - would I regret NOT taking on the program had I known about the time I would lose?

I find myself saying "My house will be a whole lot cleaner when I'm done." "My family will have better meals when I'm done." "I'll have more time to focus on working out when I'm done." When I'm done. Done with what? I say school now - but come summer it will be something else! Is it just my personality then - to become consumed as a way to escape the grid of normal living? What does this say about me? I shudder a bit. Then I think about what I've asked of my family - the sacrifice of time.

So - does the sacrifice I've asked of my husband and kids - the personal and financial sacrifice for a piece of paper make up for the time I've dedicated toward earning the degree? I don't like the look I get from my son when I have to tell him "no" I won't work out with him because "I have homework." - I hate that the kids will lie in bed and call my name and I'll say "Just a minute" and it turns out to be more like an hour and I've missed kissing them while they were awake and saying "I love you." so they can hear me. I hate it and at the same time I allow it to happen.

What is more important? What is the criteria I use to judge? Do I demonstrate my dedication toward my education and demonstrate how I feel education is important by making my children resent the fact I am earning another degree? Maybe they don't resent it - I think they are often proud - but then again would they tell the truth for fear I may become upset?

I'm almost done and I am counting down the days - not because I don't enjoy the program - but simply because I feel as if life has been passing me by and I haven't enjoyed it. Life is passing - this blog is proof. May 2009. Wow. I only hope this degree leads me where I'm supposed to be - I've tried to do what is necessary - to go the route I've felt has been placed before me - but then again, road maps can be misread. I wonder what my road map will read in a few months.