Planes, Trains and New Places

This past week I had a great opportunity from the Navy to attend a class in Pensacola FL. I packed up my bags and decided instead of trying to get to the airport by 0700 I would take the VRE and transfer to the Metro in order to get to the airport. I showed up early to buy my ticket and once I boarded I expected to have someone collect my ticket - only no one came. So I flipped my ticket over and read a disclaimer - basically came in the form of a threat - if you are asked for your ticket and you don't have one - then you have to pay like thousands of dollars in fines for illegally boarding the train. Still made me think I should've boarded the train and taken the risk. Yet, I've never been fortunate to talk my way out of anything and trying to get out of a fine for not buying a ticket would have been next to impossible. I am sure of it. So. I arrive on time and stand in line for the counter. Woman says to go check in on the lower level so I go - presenting my military ID because I am on orders and I am told I need to pay for my bags. I looked at the woman funny and said "I thought being on orders would mean I get my bags free." "Yes. You need a military ID" Then I said "Yes. I just gave you one." Then she said "Oh yeah. You just don't look military." Well - I wasn't sure how to take that - especially since I'm pretty insecure about my military bearing. So, not being sure what to say I simply replied "I guess I'll take that as a compliment." Then off I went - off for a scan and grope - but got neither. Security was a breeze except for the plastic playing cards. Something on the coating of the cards showed up as a suspicious item in my carry on. Hum. Makes me wonder what is on the cards. So - I get on the first flight and sit behind three guys that are all wearing WWE shirts - heads are shaved and they are wearing bracelets. The one guy had a bracelet that read "I love Boobies." I leaned forward and asked "What does your bracelet say?" He only spun it around so I could read it - I had wanted him to say it out loud but he didn't. I love boobies. Seriously. Then I got to thinking - I do not know any woman that would wear a bracelet that said "I love penis." It doesn't even sound good. What is the fascination with boobies anyway. Men pay to look at them. Men dwell on them. Men will pay a woman to get new ones. I need to Google Penis implants. I'm sure they exist but I do not know one woman that would pay for one. Really. Not only that - men are so concerned about their parts I doubt they would go under the knife to actually try and increase the size and stature of their part. Am I right? Now I'm freeking curious about implants for men. Does that mean I'm dwelling? Hum. So. The first flight goes well - the second flight I end up in the last row in the last seat next to the toilet. I only wonder what person I pissed off to get that seat. Really. The only positive image I can muster was the idea I would be the last to hit the ground if we crashed. I also thought I would be able to witness the jet falling off. I tried to close my eyes and sleep but it was difficult smelling the toilet and sitting upright. Then we arrived in Florida and I was happy. The airport is small and made me feel right at home. I also met at the rental car counter a man that was vacationing with his wife Mona - and they were getting a convertible and going to drive up and down the beach - visiting Margaritaville and soaking up the sun. I asked to go with him but his wife told him to stop causing trouble. I instantly fell in love with them and knew they must have a great time together. They were partiers and embracing life - living the moment and truly enjoying each other. I ended up running into them on the way home too! Which leads me to life in general. I enjoyed my time away from home - but I did not feel complete. I missed having Dan next to me - the bed was huge but empty - and I did not sleep well. The food was fantastic and dinner conversation pleasant - but I missed seeing things through my kids eyes. I discovered - while I do enjoy my time away - I am not whole. How is this? Then I wondered what happens when two people in a relationship move apart - how does the hole get filled? Can it be filled? Or when it does get filled - like old coal mine shafts - the dirt is there and fills in the tunnels - but it settles and whatever is on top ends up sinking....so the hole is ever "really" filled. I know this happens because where my brother-in-law lived - his house was sinking. So - is the hole in the heart sort of filled in and then there is still a gap? How on earth can the hole possibly be filled again? Dan was married before - and with unfortunate circumstances - the marriage failed. He had to have a hole - and while I came in the picture and the kids came in the picture I cannot help but think I am a part of the surface and what is underneath - the original hole - still is there. I cannot fill the hole. No matter how great we are together - it is still there - will always be there and in this case - I think it is a trust issue. We have a deep understanding and trust for each other. I have been able to sit home and know where ever he is in the country - he loves me and no one else. I am confident when he goes out - he goes home alone. I trust him completely. My heart is rock solid for him. But - when I go out and although I know he trusts me - there will always be a gap - like a small air pocket in the ground - of doubt. Not because he doesn't trust me - but because of the hole from the past. No matter how much he says he trusts and believes - he has a reason to have doubt - small gaps of dobut - but none the less. I know it and I try to respect it and I try not to egg him on. Yet, I did - made a comment about finding a nice young pilot in Pensacola. I planted a seed. No matter how far from the truth it would be I went there...I started stomping on the hole. Not very nice of me at all. So why did I do it? Why even say it when I know it would hurt? I do not know. So. I spent a week in Pcola. Hanging out with a female co-worker, shopping and eating. I went home to an empty bed, in a quiet hotel and looked forward to getting home. I love the comfort I have and I know how special and lucky I am. I love that I have a supportive and loving husband. I love the fact we have two beautiful children. I only feel bad for those in my life that are not so fortunate and I wish I could fix it for them. I wish I could fill the holes - but I know - even if I tried - the holes will always be there and there will always be someone that would be ready to stomp in the hole. Those people just plain suck and they probably wear bracelets that say "I love boobies." Shallow bastards. Oh. I Googled Penis Implants - they do not increase size - only the ability to maintain an erection - there is not opportunity to increase size and length. Poor guys. No wonder why they love boobies - we can do something they can't. Make our parts bigger. Hah.